


Jon Goes on a DiEyet

by Rowan_Sprawls



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Drabble, M/M, Slice of Life, Statement Fic (The Magnus Archives), Transcript Format, unsuitable terms of endearment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:34:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24753253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rowan_Sprawls/pseuds/Rowan_Sprawls
Summary: Let's say you're an Archivist. You're hiding out in the Scottish countryside with your boyfriend, and you have no reading material to feed your nightmarish patron. How do you solve this problem? If you figure it out, please tell Jon. He's trying everything, and its got Martin worried.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 8
Kudos: 66





	Jon Goes on a DiEyet

[CLICK]

ARCHIVIST

Statement of Daniel Ron Smith, regarding a gas leak in a Muir of Ord home. Original statement given October 4th, 2018. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, the Archivist.

Statement begins.

ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT)

Emergency services were called at 7:00pm last night after a concerned neighbor heard noises coming from the home of a Muir of Ord woman. Police say the woman of 52 was behaving erratically. A short investigation of her home lead to the discovery of a gas leak that was likely causing her to experience-

ARCHIVIST

No. That's not right. This isn't working. Perhaps the incident needs to be explicitly supernatural?

End recording.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

ARCHIVIST

Statement of... anonymous editors regarding the Monster of Glamis. Original statement given - er - well, a couple of the citations were accessed in September 2010, so I suppose somewhere around then. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, the Archivist.

Statement begins.

ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT)

The most famous legend connected with Glamis Castle is that of the Monster of Glamis, a hideously deformed child born to the family. Some accounts came from singer and composer Virginia Gabriel who stayed at the castle in 1870. In the story, the monster was kept in the castle all his life and his suite of rooms bricked up after his death. Another monster is supposed to have dwelt in Loch Calder near the castle. Citation needed.

An alternative version of the legend is that to every generation of the family a vampire child is born and -

MARTIN

Jon? Jon, what are you doing?

ARCHIVIST

I'm taking a statement.

MARTIN

A statement.

ARCHIVIST

Yes, a statement. Well, not quite a statement.

MARTIN

Not quite a statement?

ARCHIVIST

Its a Wikipedia article.

MARTIN

Jon, why are you reading a Wikipedia article, aloud, as though it were a statement?

ARCHIVIST

Basira called me earlier. Apparently her shipment of files from the Institute got lost in the mail. She's sending out more but they won't be here for as much as another week. In the meantime, I need something to 'feed' on. The Eye seems satisfied when I read through incidents someone has already written about, so I figured some articles might tide me over.

MARTIN

Uh huh. Right. Well, is it working?

ARCHIVIST

... No. No, not yet.

MARTIN

'Not yet.' Ok, Jon. Babe. You're worrying me a little.

ARCHIVIST

Did You just call me 'babe'?

MARTIN

I was trying something. I figure our relationship needs some terms of endearment.

ARCHIVIST

'Needs' is not quite the term I would -

MARTIN

We can discuss it later! We are talking about you right now, Jon. Are you sure you can't wait just a few days?

ARCHIVIST

What do you mean 'wait a few days'? You know need this. Its out of my control.

MARTIN

I know, I know. But this often? It doesn't seem like Gertrude was quite as 'compelled' as you are. Do you think maybe you've been... you know, spoiling it?

ARCHIVIST

Spoiling what?

MARTIN

The Eye, Jon. Like, what if its like an addiction? You fed it all these statements every day and now that's what it's demanding from you. Maybe if you slowed down, it might make this all- I dunno... more manageable?

ARCHIVIST

I'm not sure that's how it works.

MARTIN

I'm not either, but I can't think of a better time to try it.

ARCHIVIST

You may be right. The alternative doesn't seem to be doing the job anyway. Alright, I'll try it. At least until Basira get's the new statements through the mail.

MARTIN

Ok. Ok good. I'll, uh, I'll hold you to it.

ARCHIVIST

Thank you, Martin.

MARTIN

You're welcome, sweetie.

ARCHIVIST

We're not doing that one either. Darling?

MARTIN

Are you 70 or Texan?

ARCHIVIST

I suppose we can work on this too.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

ARCHIVIST

Statement of Robert Lawrence Stine, regarding a Halloween mask. Original statement given September 1993. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, the Archivist.

Stateme-

MARTIN

Are you reading a Goosebumps book?!

ARCHIVIST

Uh...

MARTIN

Are you reading a Goosebumps book as a statement?!

ARCHIVIST

Its my cheat day.

MARTIN

There is no cheat day Jon. We never agreed on a cheat day. Where did you even get this?

ARCHIVIST

Daisy has a box of these under the dresser.

MARTIN

Of course. Right. Give it to me, Jon. You don't want to read this and Beholding doesn't either. Hand it over.

ARCHIVIST

Fine. End recording.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

ARCHIVIST

Statement of Unilever plc regarding the chemical contents of this bottle. Original statement given at some point. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, the Archivist.

Statement begins.

ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT)

Water 'Aqua' in parentheses, Sodium Laureth Sulfate, Cocamidopropyl Betaine, Sodium Chloride, Cocos Nucifera 'Coconut' in parentheses Water, Citrus Aurantifolia 'Lime' in parentheses Juice, Tocopheryl Acetate, Panthenol, Dimethiconol, Carbomer, Dimethicone-

MARTIN

Jon?! Jon?! Have you seen my shampoo? Jon? Oh, there you...

ARCHIVIST

Hello... honey. I was just-

MARTIN

You have got to be kidding me.

ARCHIVIST

...end recording.

[CLICK]


End file.
